a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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