i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
