she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
