Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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