I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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