Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
