THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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