Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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