I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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