I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
