What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
