There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
