I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
