I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
