I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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