wrigley field is MILF paradise
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
