We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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