Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry about my life...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
