All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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