i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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