Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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