It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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