he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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