A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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