He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
