I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
