think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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