You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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