Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
