I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
