Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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