I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The struggles of a small town man whore
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
