i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
