I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
