I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
