I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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