guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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