A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i barfeds in our rink
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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