I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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