I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
