Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
