I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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