Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
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