its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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