Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
