last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I can text with my tongue
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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