I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
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Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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