I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
