i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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