I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
