UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
