her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
